On Reaching Out

This blog has opened up in steps, tiny itsy bitsy baby steps.  It was set to private for a long time and was just for me.  Somehow even that had something that a journal lacked.  My tone was different, less secretive.  It felt like something bigger than talking to myself.  Even though I really was just talking to myself.

Eventually, I created a password and gave it to Phil.  Some time later I got rid of the password and opened it up.  But no one knew about it, and I relied on the big, big internets to keep people out of my quiet little corner. 

It went on that way for a long time.  It felt good, like shouting from a deserted mountaintop.  And I was too skeered, too shy, too full of self-doubt to let anyone else in.

Then a friend (who now lives far, far away and recently came to visit) suggested I start a blog, and said that she would happily read it.  Her name is Julie. 

Now, over the past year or so I've been trying to open up more, to be less afraid of being honest about myself, the things I think, the things I like.  So, nodding and hmm-ing and letting it pass didn't seem like the right thing to do.  I screwed up my courage and my face and sheepishly admitted my dirty little secret.  I had a blog, I hadn't told anyone but Phil, but maybe if I got real brave I'd send her the link.  She was, as always, tremendously supportive.

A couple of days later, my heart dropped into the nether regions of my stomach when I opened an email alerting me to the fact that I had a comment.  I looked around and crouched lower in my seat; I got quiet and alert.  Someone had found me out.  I checked the comment, checked the profile.  This was not someone I knew.  The internets were shrinking! 

Somehow, though... I didn't throw up.  I didn't feel terrified.  In fact, it felt kinda thrilling.  Someone else was on my deserted mountain and wanted to yodel along!  Hell yeah!  Littleoldladywhooooo!  So, Julie got the link.

A couple of days ago, an APW reader posted this comment with some quotes on fear, and I got to thinking.  “Many of our fears are tissue paper thin and a single courageous step would carry us clear through them.” (Brendan Francis)  Maybe this was just the push I needed.  In other aspects of my life I have begun to “accept[] fear as part of life– specifically the fear of change… I have gone ahead despite the pounding in my heart that says: turn back.”  (Erica Jong)  Yeah.  That's right!  I HAVE been doing that.  Why not do it betterfasterharder?

The next day, high on my plan to engage with the world, I stopped at an accident scene and gave out my name and email and phone number.  I know this might sound like a small thing, but I gave out information about myself.  To strangers.  Of my own accord.  And it didn't feel weird or scary at all.  Dude.

“There are very few monsters that warrant the fear we have of them.” (Andre Gide)  True dat.

I don't want fear to rule my life.  I want to be brave, decisive, spontaneous.  I want to live fully and to engage with life and with all the people in it!  I want to take one step forward, eyes closed, faith engaged, like Indiana Jones on the invisible bridge.  I'm gonna trust the path will appear.  I'm gonna keep moving.  And, just maybe, I'm gonna tell some folks about this site.

from, yes, cheezburger