Losing

My grandmother had her first child at 16; she became a grandmother at 42.  42!  I have friends that age, who, like me, chose graduate degrees, careers (2nd careers!), travel, sometimes mortgages over marriage and babies.  Those could wait.  At 20, the flesh was willing, but the mind...not so much.

And now, now that we've decided we are ready, now that we yearn for those children we put off having, our bodies are unsure.  We work at pregnancy the same way we worked at school, with the same dedication we put into demanding jobs.  So much less predictable, though.  So much more fragile.

I wrote these lines a year ago, more, with one specific friend in mind who had just lost a child.  Sadly, she's no longer alone.  We've made choices, good choices no doubt.  But choices nonetheless, leaving other paths untrodden.

We continue to yearn.

Lines for ___

A moment I did hold my breath and her.

Then the name passed as a whisper through my lips,

Nearly lost and barely heard. The sips

I took of ecstasy that day did sear

My throat and burned their way into my womb.

The susurrations pierced and tore, and she

Ate all of me. I murmured, agonied,

That name—my heart, my head, my soul consumed.

She does not grow, but still I have been wrecked,

Depleted, paled. A near-forgotten word

Leaps to my tongue unbidden and unchecked.

My breath takes form. My prayer ignites in flame,

And she burns up; deaf heaven has not heard.

I'm left among the ashes of her name.

Summer Time

Well, May and June passed in a whirlwind of getting married, honeymooning, and starting school.  I'll write about the two big things once I have some time to correlate all the lovely pictures and all the lovely memories.  Here we are in July, though, and I've been thinking about you and about how lovely the summer is.

After getting back from Italy, I had about two weeks before school started.  I spent it reconnecting, lazing, swimming, and falling back into the pace of normal life.

The weekend after Phil returned to work, we met up with D&N and Skylan to check out the underground market and then, kimchi in hand,  headed to Four Barrel for some much needed American Coffee.  Espresso is delicious, Americanos are not.  Nowhere in Italy can you get brewed coffee, especially not delicious Four Barrel!












I did quite a bit of gardening the rest of the week - which meant I got to hang out with Nori quite a bit for nursery trips and things!!  I planted tomatoes, eggplant, anaheim peppers, taragon, basil (sadly, only one of the three basil plants survived), strawberries, pansies, lobelia, oregano, thyme, society garlic, and a sweet pea.  I also spruced up the rest of my little potted paradise, and everyone seemed to be happy with the tune up and the warm weather!

Buddy got his own kitty grass.  He goes out every morning and evening for a little salad, sometimes--bastard--with a side dish of pansy.

I also got some serious girl time in: Summer and Sarah and I spent a couple of nights in Discovery Bay (see dance party, left), and Nori and Khai and I hung out with their beautiful boys.  Auntie Nessa got some goooood baby time in--and some good lady time (at awesome Skates' on the Bay happy hour - I hadn't been there since Junior Prom night!).












There have been lots of other catchings-up since then, as well.  A wedding takes a lot out of you.  It's nice to get back into the normal rhythm and flow of life and family and friends.

Feeling covetous

From Food and Wine, "J. Morgan Puett: A Curator of Food Curiosities"

Heroes

I've been thinking lately about all the people I think are amazing in the I-look-up-to-and-admire sort of way.  I guess I've been feeling so happy that there is such a glut of inspiration out there that I wanted to share.  So do not despair, ever, remembering that the following women are out in the world doing great things:

1. Elizabeth Warren, Assistant to the President and Special Advisor to the Secretary of the Treasury on the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau.  Because she is committed to common sense and believes that we are in a hopeful place. http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/tue-april-26-2011/exclusive---elizabeth-warren-extended-interview-pt--3

2. Tina Fey.  Because she is smart and funny, and smart... and funny!, and doesn't take herself too seriously, and is awesome, and I really want to read her book.

3. Amy Poehler. Because she is also smart and funny, and because she knows that girls have a lot of important things to say and need to be encouraged and listened to.  http://www.hulu.com/smart-girls-at-the-party

4. Patti Smith, because she rocks and writes poetry and I also really want to read her book.

5. M.F.K. Fisher, because she writes so beautifully of love and food and hunger and desire.  I can't stop reading her books.

6. Also Neil Gaiman.  Not a woman, obviously, but inspirational none the less, because he is an amazing writer, and an encourager of girls, and a dreamer and storyteller and a creator of worlds.

Tryin' soooo hard!

The best part is near the end where she tries to use her hands to get her feet into the correct position!

Science is Awesome: A guy with crazy hair explains nuclear reactors

All your questions about the potential nuclear reactor disaster in Japan explained by a fantastic British scientist with amazing hair.




This video is part of a series called The Periodic Table of Videos, which looks to be really fun.  I will be exploring.

Via Ta-Nehisi Coates

RIP

From Kissing

Wild Flowers

N and I made some lovely solar prints today to use on the wedding invitations.  There were some wildflowers left over from the printing that are now sitting on my kitchen counter as a lovely reminder of this one sunny spring day in the midst of rain and sad goings-on in the world.

My thoughts are with those suffering in Japan, and with N whose heart and mind is there, and with Sarah, on her birthday.

Ash Wednesday, and a poem

Yesterday I made king cake, Jambalaya, and pimiento cheese to celebrate darling JW's birthday.  Today, Lent begins. 

I am not Christian, really.  I was baptized in the Catholic Church as a baby, sent to Protestant elementary schools and a Catholic high school.  I have been more and less religious at various times in my life.  I recently considered Catholic confirmation and then at Christmas discovered that my beliefs just don't line up there.  But I still like Lent.

It comes, I'm sure, from high school.  Although at the time I declared in no uncertain terms that I Was Not Catholic and Would Not be Giving Anything Up, it always intrigued me. 

Echos of those enforced liturgies stayed with me; I love the idea of a period of meditation, of quiet contemplation--which is how Lent was presented to us in school.  We were encouraged not merely to give something up--chocolate, smoking, soda--but to commit to something for those forty days that would bring us closer to God.  Volunteering weekly at a shelter, praying daily, practicing yoga, or the more traditional abandonment of vice.  Anything that could align your body or mind with the Divine, create a space of practiced awareness of Its presence.

So, although I won't be crossed with ashes today, I'll begin a meditative period.  I'll think today about what to commit to, what conscious practice I can begin to realign with that quiet space in me, or with God.

And now a poem, from the Writers' Almanac today, because I liked it and because it felt like a quiet space.

Personal

by Irene McKinney

None of this is personal, not the way you'd think.
The moon keeps on traveling and I can see it
from my balcony each night and each night
different but it's not my own, not like we want

things to be our very own. But it sways me
nevertheless and stands in for certain losses
and gains and for even that much I'm grateful.
I stand at the back door and stare.

"Personal" by Irene McKinney, from Vivid Companion. © Vandalia Press, 2004.

I heart millet!

Millet is really yummy and has the best crunch ever! Who knew?   

Apparently Heidi did.  And thank God, or I’d have never tried these fantastic millet muffins.  I always forget how easy and quick muffins are to throw together, and these were no exception.  Melting the butter took the longest, but that’s only because we don’t have a microwave at the moment.  And I’d bake them a little less next time, but I’m still figuring out our oven (which is especially tricky given the lack of numbers on the temperature dial).

But even slightly overcooked, these muffins are fantastic.  The millet soaks up a bit of the liquid so that it’s no longer crisp, but it still has a nice crunch, and the butter makes them taste a bit decadent.  There is a hint of lemony-ness, but the grainy flavor is what really stands out.

And now, without further ado, an adaptation of the Millet Muffins from 101 Cookbooks.  Where I use kefir, Heidi used an equal amount of yogurt, and where I used kosher, she used fine-grain sea salt.  Details.

Millet Muffins

Adapted from Super Natural Everyday

By Heidi Swanson

Makes 12 muffins

10 oz (about 2 ¼ cups) whole wheat pastry flour

2 oz (about 1/3 cup) raw millet

1 tsp baking powder

1 teaspoon baking soda

½ teaspoon kosher salt

1 cup plain kefir (I used non-fat)

2 large eggs

½ cup barely melted unsalted butter

½ cup honey

Grated zest and 2 Tablespoons juice from 1 lemon

Preheat oven to 400F.  Butter muffin cups.

Whisk together flour, millet, powder, soda, and salt in large bowl.  In another bowl, whisk together yogurt, eggs, butter, honey, lemon zest, and juice until smooth.  Add wet ingredients to dry and stir just until the flour is incorporated.

Divide batter amongst the cups (about ¼ cup per).  Bake for 15 minutes, until the tops are browned and just beginning to crack.  Let cool 5 minutes in pan, then transfer to a wire rack.

Photo from 101 Cookbooks.