Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Nothing of him that remains but doth suffer a sea change...

This blog and my life have been such a hodge-podge the past several months.  I had one thing that really felt productive and forward-moving, something I was working toward.  Everything else was a distraction during the time I had to spend waiting.  I was confident it would work out and would sift all the tumbling bits of my life into place.  And, I was really excited about it.

It seemed perfect.  I didn't have to spend time in school - I would get to start working immediately, getting my credential on the side.  I would be working with kids who most needed resources and really living what is developing as my philosophy of teaching.  And, I was really excited about it.

I found out yesterday that I didn't get in.  Thank you for the time and effort you put into your application, but... not so much.  Well, fuck, said I.  And, NUH-UH, and what the hellllll?????  And, then, Now what.

Now what, indeed.

Sea changes don't come easily, I guess.  "Suffer" wasn't lightly chosen as the verb of transformation in that passage.  That one program, that one job couldn't have done all the things I was wanting it to do, even if I had gotten in.  No one thing is life transforming.  That would be too easy.  Work is required of me, sweat is required, thought and difficult decisions, working toward understanding.

The next few days are reassessing days.  I have some other options for teaching, but that can't be it.  I sloughed off a lot of the rest of my life while trying to make this happen.  I ignored a lot of things that I shouldn't have ignored.  There is more to me than this one application.  Remind me what that is please?...

A plan is required!  No matter how much I doubt my abilities, I never doubt my ability to make a plan.  So, here I go.  Or, more accurately, here I keep going.

Now what, indeed.

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